I am Becoming
be·com·ing
/bəˈkəmiNG/
noun
PHILOSOPHY
1. the process of coming to be something or of passing into a state.
The new year began and although I thought my mind would be consumed with new goals and targets to tackle I was instead constantly confronted with the question of who I have become and who am I becoming. Are your palms sweaty yet? For some this question can be a full frontal, face-to face meeting with the raw truth of who we truly are and the results of our life's choices. My "becoming moment" met me in the mirror...literally and I stood paralyzed in pause.
I had become a lot of what I always thought I would be and a lot of what I thought I'd never be. I had become stronger. The gym and a healthier diet had been good to me and my triceps in the mirror were making a grand entrance. I had become wiser from life's lessons, a persistent passion of always wanting to educate myself, and accepting failure without falter. I followed my passion. Despite caring comrades who were fearful of the unsure future of those who wish to pursue music careers I majored in music and it still sets my soul ablaze in a way that no other entity on this earth can. I had become so much of what I hoped I'd be...and then other realizations arose.I had become fearful. This fact broke my heart and I found myself wondering when I let that part of me turn into pieces. The one thing about life that we can never control is that trials will come and many of them will leave us with scars. At eighteen I endured a life-changing trauma that left me amongst many things fearful. My idea of a beautiful and kind world crumbled and I could never see this planet the same again. Unknowingly my new instinct to protect my every part of myself at all costs became the catalyst to a more fearful existence. Fear of failure began to manifest in the form of hesitancy to try new adventures. Fear of acceptance made me reject certain social gatherings which was monumental for me because I am almost always a social butterfly. I claimed to live a life full of love, but was fearful to live a full existence. I had become fearful.
This fact broke my heart and I found myself wondering when I let that part of me turn into pieces. The one thing about life that we can never control is that trials will come and many of them will leave us with scars. At eighteen I endured a life-changing trauma that left me amongst many things fearful. My idea of a beautiful and kind world crumbled and I could never see this planet the same again. Unknowingly my new instinct to protect my every part of myself at all costs became the catalyst to a more fearful existence. Fear of failure began to manifest in the form of hesitancy to try new adventures. Fear of acceptance made me reject certain social gatherings which was monumental for me because I am almost always a social butterfly. I claimed to live a life full of love, but was fearful to live a full existence.
With my now tear-stained eyes mirroring me in my bathroom vanity I accepted all I had become and looked further to who I was becoming. Like all things that get better with age I was becoming more fruitful, fully-faceted, and altogether fabulous. My music now has more meaning, my ability to love has reached a limitless level, and my passion is now forever intertwined with compassion. As I washed my face and my hand towel passed my now dry eyes I smiled, properly introduced myself to fear, and matter-of-factly informed it that its current position as handicap to a healthy and whole existence would now be changed to driving force for courage and can do encouragement.
As a Christmas gift to myself, and what I believe to be divine intervention, I was able to snag the last copy of Michelle Obama's book BECOMING at my local Barnes and Noble. Each page spoke to exactly what I didn't know I would soon need when the new year arrived. Just like the former first lady, I now too believe that becoming is an on-going process that we all will go through until we're gone. What a beautiful thing to always be BECOMING.
"There's power in allowing yourself
to be known and heard,
in owning your unique story,
in using your authentic voice.
And there's a grace in being willing
to know and hear others.
This, for me, is how we become."
-Michelle Obama
