Time to Bloom

I must have begun this blog entry and erased it at least 5 times. As an empath, listening to, supporting, and providing wise counsel is as natural to me as breathing. From childhood to the present day I have been and am still one who others are drawn to for…peace. I have been deemed disarming, genuine, thoughtful, non-judgmental- all accolades I refuse to solely take credit for possessing. You see, all my life I had a front-row seat to my mother’s masterclass in humanity. My mom majored in psychology mastering the area of study, but when my medical physician of a father received an opportunity to practice in Florida, she transitioned from psychology for a living to psychology for life.

Empath

noun

em·​path | \ ˈem-ˌpath \

: one who experiences the emotions of others : a person who has empathy for others

Between playing dolls with my sisters on the living room floor, I would catch glimpses of my mother making her home a safe haven of peace for so many. Tears shed in the formal living room as my mother listened and provided a breakthrough, watching her simultaneously cook and counsel with the home phone under her chin, inviting a college student or ten to dinner after church after sensing they weren’t local and her home may give them a sense of far-away family. She had and still has this inexplicable way of making others feel seen, safe, free to be vulnerable and loved.

Fast forward and the more I live the more I am certain that the humanity gene of my mother has been passed down to me. I simply love people. I love to listen to others, hear their stories, be that sure, safe space for someone where judgment and a lack of sympathy and/or empathy is hard to find. I relish in moments where I am able to share in one’s successes-provide an Oprah “Aha!” moment that sparks a fire in someone’s soul. I feel the most myself when I am championing someone else and allowing them to feel seen, heard, and understood. Such is my life’s purpose for sure and I’m pretty sure my mother sealed it in me, but last year COVID hit and I found myself away from the very thing that makes me feel the most…me…people.

Like everyone else, 2020 forced me to literally sit with myself and reflect on my life, my choices, my rationale for the things I do, …the why of it all. I discovered quite swiftly that I am an empath and even deeper I am one who will stop at nothing to make others feel that they matter because I know what it feels like to feel absolutely worthless. I like to describe my life story thus far as a beautiful novel with one horrific chapter. I know that one moment or mistake should never fully define an individual, but more often than not does and that can make anyone feel less than. I was already a very non-judgmental person but after traversing and still traveling through my own personal trial I put loving others into overdrive. Although well-intended it wasn’t until COVID was in full effect and I was forced to look inward did I discover that I was giving more to others than to myself.

Hours spent until the sun came up counseling others, although admirable left the one on the other end of the phone in perfect peace and me exhausted. Moving mountains in my schedule to accommodate others that were in need of me left them feeling loved and important and me overly booked and burnt out. I had been overcompensating for the actions I wish I had received during my trying time and it was costing me. Last year I was juggling quite a bit and on the surface, I looked good doing it. I was taking full-time classes as a vocal performance major, full-time content creating, and doing all I could to be a supportive and present wife during an unprecedented pandemic. My life moved online and the interpersonal connections I would normally receive with my peers, outdoor photoshoots, and weekend brunches with my hubby were all at a halt. What was an empath to do?

Although busy beyond reason I saw that the moments I would normally spend on others were now open for me! I commenced to random dancing around my place to anything other than the required classical music I had to study for school. I binged series after series while creating content, and made lists of all sorts of creative endeavors I wish to achieve. I spent more time on my skincare/self-care and did midday check-ins with myself gauging where I was mentally and emotionally and adjusting my day accordingly. I was giving myself that which I had been giving to others for so long and it felt so good!

I say all of this to say that in life we often find ourselves doing so much for others and not enough for ourselves. I was so busy ensuring everyone else’s seed was getting water that I was neglecting my own. I wonder If or when my mother may have come to the same realization and began to turn her watering can on herself. I’m not sure but all I know now is that Spring is here and I have found myself in full bloom. I wake up and before I do anything I give myself some water and make sure I’m firmly rooted and healthy before I tend to humanity’s garden. I will always be an empath and one who loves to love on others, but now I will also be one who lives to love on herself. Here’s to new seasons and blooming in our own time.